April 2013
6 posts
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“It’s hard to overstate how much Pete enjoys exercise, too. Approximately a...”
– I stood in for Charlie Brooker’s column this week, so I decided to introduce the world to my terrifying little brother. (From The Guardian)
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“To misquote Elton John, our candle had burned out long before literally anyone...”
– I bought a fake girlfriend on Facebook. And then cheated on her with another fake girlfriend on Facebook. And then dumped them. A biggish piece I wrote for The Guardian
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“The Nick Knowles of Nick Knowles’ Original Features is a different beast to the...”
– I wrote a thing for Virgin Media. Can’t remember who it’s about, though.
February 2013
4 posts
HOORAY! IT'S PANCAKLENTINE'S DAY!
Note: Pancaklentine’s Day only occurs on the day between Pancake Day and Valentine’s Day. For the day between Valentine’s Day and Pancake Day, and the day when Pancake Day and Valentine’s Day occur simultaneously, please see Valencake Day and Vapanlencatineke’s Day respectively.
Pancaklentine’s Day is a rare and beautiful flower. The last...
January 2013
2 posts
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December 2012
5 posts
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“Know how to build a wardrobe? Five man points. Able to have an in-depth...”
– I apparently hate men and women equally, for XOJane
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“Here’s my last offer: a sort of Perspex sandwich board that you hang...”
– Yoko Ono has a fashion line, for The Guardian
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“Poundland Game of Thrones”
– I’m sad that Merlin is ending, for The Guardian
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DRAWING THE DAILY MIRROR'S REPRESENTATION OF WHAT...
Kate Middleton pregnant: See incredible images of what royal baby might look like
November 2012
11 posts
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“Now it just seems as if it’s a vehicle for Jason Bradbury’s mid-life...”
– I do not like The All New Gadget Show, for The Guardian
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“I’ve seen Transformers 3, and I can’t remember a single thing about...”
– … And yet I’m still looking forward to Transformers 4, for The Guardian
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A RATIONAL DECONSTRUCTION OF GIRL ON FIRE BY...
Last night while I was liveblogging the X Factor results show it struck me that the lyrics of Girl On Fire, the new single by Alicia Keys, don’t actually make that much sense. A day later and I’m still none the wiser. Perhaps the most sensible thing would be to break the song down line by line…
Girl On Fire, by Alicia Keys
She’s just a girl, and she’s on fire
...
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“Because the song is called I’m Still Standing, and one of the things that...”
– I’m still liveblogging X Factor for The Guardian. Lucky me.
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“Do men want to dominate women?” I think, putting myself in this midset, before...”
– What it’s like for men who write for women’s magazines, for XOJane UK
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DRAWING THE DAILY MAIL SIDEBAR: LISA SNOWDON MIGHT...
Good night, was it? Lisa Snowdon is ravishing in red … but leaves event looking a little worse for wear
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“I mean, hardly anybody’s cool now. Everyone’s in a shocking state, I...”
– I interviewed 79-year-old Richard Briers, who is LOVELY, for The Guardian
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“Maybe one of the characters could have a dog. A kooky dog. A kooky dog that can...”
– Getting ready for Casablanca 2, for The Guardian
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October 2012
14 posts
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I AM A FOOD BLOGGER NOW: CINNAMON BUNS
It was National Cinnamon Bun Day a while ago. I chose to celebrate it as traditionally as possible – by ordering a pizza, eating a pint of ice cream, feeling a bit sick and passing out in my own clothes. And then, a few days after that, I decided to try and make some cinnamon buns.
Why? Because my pal Julia made them and they looked brilliant, so I decided to try and beat her by making mine...
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“She doesn’t do anything,” he’d say. “She just sits there...”
– I’ve invented some Twilight spin-offs for The Guardian
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“There was always a sense that people only watched Surprise, Surprise because...”
– Surprise, Surprise is coming back, which is stupid, for The Guardian
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“All he had to do was stand in an inconsistently lit room for 30 seconds and...”
– On Brad Pitt’s terrible Chanel advert, for The Guardian
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“Now for James Arthur; a man who you feel only ever applied for X Factor so that...”
– HEY! I’m liveblogging X Factor again, for The Guardian
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“Best of all, imagine a cafe where the word “babyccino” is never...”
– Let’s ban children from cafés, for The Guardian
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I AM A FOOD BLOGGER NOW: CHALLAH
A couple of months ago, I made my parents some ciabatta for their anniversary. I got them some other stuff, too. I’m not that much of a miser. I might have got them some other stuff. I probably did. Look, I can’t remember. This isn’t important.
Anyway, the ciabatta went down like diarrhea in a jacuzzi, mainly because I buggered it up so much. The look of crippling...
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DRAWING THE DAILY MAIL SIDEBAR: GUILTY JUSTIN LEE...
Fury as bully Collins escapes jail: Community sentence for TV comedian who terrorised girlfriend
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“The thought of Robin Williams – Mork Robin Williams, Peter Pan Robin Williams,...”
– Robin Williams might turn up on Homeland, for The Guardian.
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“Suspicious of Siri’s newfound sympathy for movie robots, I cut to the...”
– I’ve become convinced that Siri will kill us all, for The Guardian
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“There’s Minaj herself, dressed up as Grayson Perry’s tipsy auntie,...”
– A thing about the American Idol bust-up between Nicki Minaj and Mariah Carey that happened a week ago, for The Guardian
September 2012
34 posts
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“The Moon landing and Live Aid are at number five and seven respectively,...”
– Moments that changed television forever, for The Guardian
“He’s doomed to wander the galaxy dressed up like the presenter of the Open...”
– Luv and Hat does Doctor Who. I hate it. EAT IT, NERDS.
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I AM A FOOD BLOGGER NOW: BANOFFEE CAKE
The best thing about online shopping is that it’s easy to bugger up quantities. Sometimes a man will deliver 15 gallons of shampoo to your house, while at other times he’ll just hand you a single piece of salt presented on a velvet cushion. This time, I accidentally ordered enough bananas to strike down an entire continent with terminal potassium poisoning, so I decided to use some...
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DRAWING THE DAILY MAIL SIDEBAR: PARIS HILTON ON A...
The only way is up! Paris Hilton distracts herself from gay slur scandal with a spot of ziplining in Hawaii
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STU'S ONE SHIT THING ON A PLATE
Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall has written a cookbook called Hugh’s Three Good Things On A Plate, a compilation of meals all made from just three ingredients each. The fucking cheek of the guy.
Seriously. I’m a busy man. Where the hell does Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall get off, thinking I’ve got the time to go and find three entire different things - and good things at that - before...
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“On Monday, someone spilled Dennis Waterman’s custard and everyone reacted...”
– Reviewing this series of Celebrity MasterChef, for The Guardian 