The Blood Type diet can piss off. It seemed quite interesting until I realised what crap blood I have. People with type A blood shouldn’t eat meat. Or carbohydrates. Or do any exercise. Or have fun. I hate whoever invented this diet. If I met them, I’d happily punch them. Or I would if I had any energy.
I went on seven fad diets in seven fad days. SPOILER ALERT: I almost shat myself on day six. For The Guardian
Know how to build a wardrobe? Five man points. Able to have an in-depth discussion with a mechanic about sparkplugs? Ten man points. Ever got drunk on Christmas day and hit your wife in front of your kids? A hundred man points to the chap in the corner wearing a string vest
Here’s my last offer: a sort of Perspex sandwich board that you hang around your neck, with desk bells that cover your nipples and the phrase “Ring for your mommy” written underneath it. You’re supposed to wear it topless. Everyone will be wearing them by spring. No?
“What’s that? I can’t see – 3D films are so murky. Is that a crow? A crow sitting in a puddle? What are those blurry little dog things on the right-hand side? My eyes hurt and I’m getting a headache. This was a stupid idea.” It’ll be a magical moment.