I was struck by a brainwave the other day. Everyone likes biscuits, don’t they? And everyone likes swearing, too. My brainwave was this: what if I could combine biscuits and swearing? I’d be rich. RICH. Or, you know, I’d be moderately amused at myself for about two seconds, and then I’d see what an enormous pile of washing up I’d just created, and then I’d just be a bit depressed.
ANYWAY, HERE’S HOW YOU MAKE NEEDLESSLY ABUSIVE BISCUITS
STEP ONE - Copy the first How To Make Biscuits recipe you find on the internet, and follow it until you have 12 little blobs of biscuit dough on a baking tray. Then bake them.
STEP TWO - Leave your biscuits to cool.
STEP THREE - With the icing tubes you’ve got left over from that birthday cake you just made, write something slightly belligerent on the biscuit. Fuck up the last ‘M’ of ‘Your Mum’ because you’re trying to take a picture of yourself icing it at the same time.
STEP FOUR - Repeat step three eleven more times.
STEP FIVE - Because you can’t hand your finished product to someone who’ll share it at their workplace (on account of the fact that your food has ‘shit flaps’ written on it) you’ll just have to sit down and eat all the biscuits yourself in one go. Tee hee! This one says ‘bum’! Tee hee hee! Tee hee hee! You are 32 years old.