I went to the Outer Hebrides last month. The Outer Hebrides are good. You should go. Anyway, I got three things during my trip: 1) a flat cap because I am so very old now, 2) a nasty case of sunburn because someone hasn’t told Scotland how it’s supposed to fucking work, and 3) a genuine addiction to tablet, which is sort of like fudge but sweeter and blah blah blah you already know this you probably came from a search engine shut up.
Tablet is, without exaggeration, ten million times more addictive than crack, and probably just as bad for you. I ate a shitload of it there, bought a shitload to take home with me, ate all of it in about a minute and then spent a fortnight shivering and sweating and hallucinating and prostituting my body to anyone who looked as if they might be a bit Scottish in the desperate hope that they’d ease my uncontrollable tablet cravings. In the end, I just decided to make my own.
HERE’S HOW YOU BLOODY WELL MAKE TABLET, THEN
STEP ONE - Buy the ingredients. The picture below is what you need to make tablet. See that sugar? You use all of it. But that’s OK. I never liked my teeth anyway. Stupid teeth.
STEP TWO - Put it all into the biggest saucepan that you own, or the one that your mum gave you because she saw that you were basically cooking out of thimbles and felt sorry for you.
STEP THREE - Stir constantly until it boils, which takes about 15 minutes; or until your arm goes dead because you’re basically mixing a stick of butter into enough sugar to send an entire primary school on an insane killing spree, and that’s quite hard work.
STEP FOUR - Leave it to boil for 20 minutes until it goes dark. Be warned - the mixture will swell up and everything around you will become sticky. Your hands, the saucepan, the cooker, the spoon, your phone, your camera, your hair. Everything. Basically your entire house will get covered in a kind of sticky mist that you’ll never be able to clean. What’s more, after about ten minutes, a wasp will fly in and enthusiastically try to have sex with your face. Sidenote: wasps make surprisingly tender lovers.
STEP FIVE - Take it off the heat and stir. Stir like you’ve never stirred before. Stir long and stir hard. After five minutes your arm will hurt, but you must not stop stirring. After ten minutes your arm will have gone black and fallen off, and you will have been reduced to gripping a wooden spoon between your teeth and just kind of waggling your head at the saucepan, but you MUST NOT STOP STIRRING. After 15 minutes you will be crying and sweating and soaked in a disgusting mixture of urine, blood, sugar and wasp semen. Now you can stop stirring.
STEP SIX - Pour it into a tray as quickly as you can because if you pause for even a second your tablet will end up looking like a cowpat that came from a very, very ill cow.
STEP SEVEN - You must now leave the tablet to cool. Take this time to sew your arms back on and ask the wasp’s father for his offspring’s hand in marriage because you’re a gentleman and manners cost nothing. You may now take a small bite of the tablet. But brace yourself, because…
STEP EIGHT - SUGAR RUSSSSSSSH! SUGARRUSHSUGARRUSH! SSSUUUGGGAAARRRRRRUUUSSSHHH! OH GOD OH GOD OH JESUS MY HEART SUGARSUGARSUGARSUGARSUGARSUGAR HEADACHE sleep.