Fougasse is a type of French bread typically associated with Provence, although international variations include the Italian focaccia, the Spanish hogaza and the Balkan pogača. Typically, a fougasse will be slashed with a knife before baking in order to make it resemble an ear of wheat. I decided to make a fougasse with the word ‘fuck’ carved into it because I’m basically fucking six years old and there is a terrible loneliness inside my heart.
HERE’S HOW YOU MAKE A FOUGASSE THAT’S GOT THE WORD ‘FUCK’ ON IT, THEN
STEP ONE - Make a dough. The fougasse typically has a wet, oil-heavy dough, so it’s recommended that you use a mixer with a dough hook. Alternatively you could lose your dough hook and just sort of punch the dough together with your idiot fists as an alternative, all the while hoping that nobody will ring your doorbell because you’ll have to greet them looking like a floury, psoriasis-ridden zombie.
STEP TWO - Leave to rise, flour and then transfer to a baking tray.
STEP THREE - With a pizza cutter, carve the word ‘Fuck’ into the dough. About halfway through, when you’re trying to get the curve of the letter C just right, take a long hard look at yourself. You had dreams once. Remember that? Remember dreams?
STEP FOUR - Cover with olive oil and oregano, bake for 20 minutes and then eat it! Eat it quickly! Eat your shame! Eat it right up! Quick, before the vicar comes!