Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall has written a cookbook called Hugh’s Three Good Things On A Plate, a compilation of meals all made from just three ingredients each. The fucking cheek of the guy.
Seriously. I’m a busy man. Where the hell does Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall get off, thinking I’ve got the time to go and find three entire different things - and good things at that - before mixing them together in a fucking bowl, putting them on a plate and then eating them? Some of us WORK for a living, Hugh. I’m not SUPERMAN, Hugh. Fuck you, Hugh.
So I’ve decided to put together my own cookbook in response, one that makes more realistic demands of the modern cook - it’s called Stu’s One Shit Thing On A Plate, and it’ll be in shops soon. Here are the first three chapters:
CHAPTER ONE: A SAINSBURY’S BASICS ONION ON A PLATE
CHAPTER TWO: A GLASS OF WATER ON A PLATE
CHAPTER THREE: A LITTLE RUSSIAN DOLL ON A PLATE
Chapters four to ten, in case you’re wondering, are a cabbage on a plate, a bit of orange peel on a plate, a third of a Twix on a plate, some sawdust on a plate, a charcoal briquette on a plate, another plate on a plate and one of your own tears on a plate. THAT’S HOW YOU WRITE A FUCKING COOKBOOK, HUGH.