It was National Cinnamon Bun Day a while ago. I chose to celebrate it as traditionally as possible – by ordering a pizza, eating a pint of ice cream, feeling a bit sick and passing out in my own clothes. And then, a few days after that, I decided to try and make some cinnamon buns.
Why? Because my pal Julia made them and they looked brilliant, so I decided to try and beat her by making mine even better, because I’m such a hopelessly inadequate excuse for a man that I essentially spend my entire life trying to do better than women at things just so I can tell them how much better than them I am and then warm myself on the nanosecond of pride this gives me before I collapse back into self-hatred again.
HERE’S HOW YOU MAKE CINNAMON BUNS! HOORAY!
STEP ONE: Make a bread dough that has cardamom in it. Realise slightly too late that shelling cardamom pods is the single dullest thing in the entire history of mankind and that it would have been much better if you’d just bought some buns from the bloody shop instead.
STEP TWO: In a separate bowl, mix butter, sugar and cinnamon together until it looks like that thing you deliberately left in the toilet the day you moved out of the house you didn’t like very much.
STEP THREE: Flatten out the dough, smear the cinnamon mixture across it, roll it all up and chop it into seven pieces. I realise that this step makes up the bulk of the recipe and that I only have a picture of the last bit, but I forgot to take any pictures. Look, you’re reading this for free. Stop being so bloody entitled.
STEP FOUR: Pack the buns into a cake tin, leave them to rise for a bit and then bake them.
STEP FIVE: There. Your cinnamon buns are ready. Don’t they look delicious? Certainly better than yours, Julia. Up yours, Julia. Remember that cinnamon buns are best eaten warm, so tear off a piece and bask in your glory.
STEP SIX: Still a bit raw, aren’t they? Didn’t have the oven at the proper temperature, did you? You idiot. You massive dickhead. You’ve ruined it all again, haven’t you? Eat the raw dough anyway and think hard about what you’ve done. Idiot.
Recipe stolen from Scandilicious Baking by Signe Johansen