Stuart Heritage

"It’s hard to overstate how much Pete enjoys exercise, too. Approximately a third of his..."

Tue, 09 Apr 2013 20:55:51 +0100

“It’s hard to overstate how much Pete enjoys exercise, too. Approximately a third of his kitchen space is taken up with colossal tubs of intimidating muscle supplements called things like Donkeykick and Thunderpunch. His favourite story is the one where he went to a meeting and his bicep accidentally ripped through his shirt in front of his boss. He’s one of my favourite people in the entire world, but he does have the teensiest air of steroid-inflicted murder-suicide about him.”

- I stood in for Charlie Brooker’s column this week, so I decided to introduce the world to my terrifying little brother. (From The Guardian)

"To misquote Elton John, our candle had burned out long before literally anyone important in my life..."

Fri, 05 Apr 2013 17:51:10 +0100

“To misquote Elton John, our candle had burned out long before literally anyone important in my life gave a billionth of a shit about it.”

- I bought a fake girlfriend on Facebook. And then cheated on her with another fake girlfriend on Facebook. And then dumped them. A biggish piece I wrote for The Guardian

From the best new Facebook page in all the world, I Am Fucking...

Thu, 04 Apr 2013 15:20:37 +0100

From the best new Facebook page in all the world, I Am Fucking Ambivalent About Science

Look! I’m in this month’s Elle magazine! I wrote an...

Thu, 04 Apr 2013 15:11:29 +0100

Look! I’m in this month’s Elle magazine! I wrote an article about Take Me Out! You can read the headline, first quarter and third quarter in the picture! Or all of it if you buy the actual magazine! Like people did in the olden days! Elle!

Last question: are you bored of explaining Prometheus to people...

Thu, 04 Apr 2013 15:07:12 +0100

Last question: are you bored of explaining Prometheus to people yet?

I’ve never had to explain Prometheus to people, ever. Most people get it.

I interviewed Idris Elba for The Guardian. I don’t know who enjoyed it least.

"The Nick Knowles of Nick Knowles’ Original Features is a different beast to the Nick Knowles of Nick..."

Thu, 04 Apr 2013 15:03:22 +0100

“The Nick Knowles of Nick Knowles’ Original Features is a different beast to the Nick Knowles of Nick Knowles’ other TV show, Nick Knowles Presents DIY SOS”

- I wrote a thing for Virgin Media. Can’t remember who it’s about, though.

To help The Guardian cover The Oscars, I wrote a drinking game...

Tue, 26 Feb 2013 12:15:05 +0000

To help The Guardian cover The Oscars, I wrote a drinking game and then did the drinking game while people took photos of me and then wrote about how mortifying the whole bloody thing was. I have a stupid job.

People have been asking what Old Man Pancaklentine looks like. I...

Wed, 13 Feb 2013 16:41:10 +0000

People have been asking what Old Man Pancaklentine looks like. I hope this clears things up

HOORAY! IT'S PANCAKLENTINE'S DAY!

Wed, 13 Feb 2013 10:46:08 +0000

Note: Pancaklentine’s Day only occurs on the day between Pancake Day and Valentine’s Day. For the day between Valentine’s Day and Pancake Day, and the day when Pancake Day and Valentine’s Day occur simultaneously, please see Valencake Day and Vapanlencatineke’s Day respectively.

Pancaklentine’s Day is a rare and beautiful flower. The last Pancaklentine’s Day was celebrated in 2002, and the next one won’t be seen until 2024.

But we’ve all heard Pancaklentine’s Day stories from our parents and grandparents. We’ve heard about Old Man Pancaklentine, the kindly old man who travels the world on Pancaklentine’s Eve, delivering heart-shaped flour particles to singletons by detaching his jaw and regurgitating it down their chimneys like a komodo dragon sicking up a baby antelope.

We’ve heard about the time that Queen Victoria popularised Pancaklentine’s Day by letting Prince Albert cover Buckingham Palace in a giant heart-shaped pancake for eight years in 1850. We’ve heard the traditional Pancaklentine’s Day songs, which are all Arthur’s Theme (The Best That You Can Do) by Christopher Cross but with all the words changed to ‘Pancaklentine’.

But how do we celebrate Pancaklentine’s Day today? Here is a step-by-step guide to creating that most traditional of Pancaklentine’s Day treats, the Pancaklentine’s pancake card.

STEP ONE - Make a batch of pancake batter, and then pour some red food colouring into it. It doesn’t matter how much – I used an entire bottle, but you can use up to ten gallons.

STEP TWO - Pour some of the batter into a hot crepe pan. You are trying to create a perfect heart shape, but it must be freehand - you cannot use use scissors or a mould. It’s tricky at first but, as I have proved, it’s not impossible.

STEP THREE - After flipping your pancake, slide it out onto a plate and arrange it as delicately as you can. Remember, you’re giving this to your one true love, so you want it to look as pretty as possible.

STEP FOUR - Now, to decorate. Tradition dictates that you ice the message ‘Greetings and salutations on this fine Pancaklentine’s Day. May your day be full of cheer and affection. Heartiest congratulations, your anonymous admirer’ but, in these less formal times, a simple ‘Happy Pancaklentine’s Day’ will suffice. Again, please remember that neatness is the order of the day here.

STEP FIVE - In a nod to last night’s festivities, adorn the pancake with some sugar and lemon juice, and fold it in half. It is a card, after all.

STEP SIX - There. Your Pancaklentine’s pancake card is complete. Imagine the look of unbridled joy on the object of your affection’s face as they open the card and realise that this is how much you love them.

STEP SEVEN - Leave the card on your loved one’s doorstep and run away. Once they’ve worked out that it’s a token of eternal affection and not just some afterbirth that someone’s jizzed all over, they’re sure to be yours forever.

Happy Pancaklentine’s Day, everyone. I love you.

Sun, 10 Feb 2013 17:00:42 +0000

The Blood Type diet can piss off. It seemed quite interesting...

Wed, 30 Jan 2013 15:20:09 +0000

The Blood Type diet can piss off. It seemed quite interesting until I realised what crap blood I have. People with type A blood shouldn’t eat meat. Or carbohydrates. Or do any exercise. Or have fun. I hate whoever invented this diet. If I met them, I’d happily punch them. Or I would if I had any energy.

I went on seven fad diets in seven fad days. SPOILER ALERT: I almost shat myself on day six. For The Guardian

A GIF of me dancing in the snow. You’re welcome, the...

Wed, 30 Jan 2013 15:07:13 +0000

A GIF of me dancing in the snow. You’re welcome, the universe.

MY FACE IN PASTA. My Friend Kirsty made this, and then wrote...

Thu, 06 Dec 2012 21:23:33 +0000

MY FACE IN PASTA. My Friend Kirsty made this, and then wrote about it here.

"Know how to build a wardrobe? Five man points. Able to have an in-depth discussion with a mechanic..."

Tue, 04 Dec 2012 10:16:47 +0000

“Know how to build a wardrobe? Five man points. Able to have an in-depth discussion with a mechanic about sparkplugs? Ten man points. Ever got drunk on Christmas day and hit your wife in front of your kids? A hundred man points to the chap in the corner wearing a string vest”

- I apparently hate men and women equally, for XOJane

"Here’s my last offer: a sort of Perspex sandwich board that you hang around your neck, with..."

Tue, 04 Dec 2012 10:13:04 +0000

“Here’s my last offer: a sort of Perspex sandwich board that you hang around your neck, with desk bells that cover your nipples and the phrase “Ring for your mommy” written underneath it. You’re supposed to wear it topless. Everyone will be wearing them by spring. No?”

- Yoko Ono has a fashion line, for The Guardian

"Poundland Game of Thrones"

Tue, 04 Dec 2012 10:11:06 +0000

“Poundland Game of Thrones”

- I’m sad that Merlin is ending, for The Guardian

DRAWING THE DAILY MIRROR'S REPRESENTATION OF WHAT KATE & WILLIAM'S BABY WILL LOOK LIKE

Tue, 04 Dec 2012 10:01:10 +0000

Kate Middleton pregnant: See incredible images of what royal baby might look like

"Now it just seems as if it’s a vehicle for Jason Bradbury’s mid-life crisis."

Sat, 24 Nov 2012 17:49:49 +0000

“Now it just seems as if it’s a vehicle for Jason Bradbury’s mid-life crisis.”

- I do not like The All New Gadget Show, for The Guardian

"I’ve seen Transformers 3, and I can’t remember a single thing about it, other than the..."

Sat, 24 Nov 2012 17:49:44 +0000

“I’ve seen Transformers 3, and I can’t remember a single thing about it, other than the vague recollection that someone from Grey’s Anatomy might have played Lex Luthor in it.”

- … And yet I’m still looking forward to Transformers 4, for The Guardian

“What’s that? I can’t see – 3D films are so...

Mon, 19 Nov 2012 14:50:26 +0000

“What’s that? I can’t see – 3D films are so murky. Is that a crow? A crow sitting in a puddle? What are those blurry little dog things on the right-hand side? My eyes hurt and I’m getting a headache. This was a stupid idea.” It’ll be a magical moment.

Reviewing the trailer for Jurassic Park 3D, for The Guardian