For THE GUARDIAN:
Why Olympians like terrible films.
Why I’m horrifically excited about new The Thick Of It.
Why a film about Santa Claus is basically The Avengers.
Why I love Nick Hewer a little bit too much.
For NOISEY:
Tom Hanks’s son is a rapper and this knowledge makes me sad.
For LUV AND HAT:
I enjoy sightseeing, and call anyone who doesn’t a cunt.
That’s enough, isn’t it? Jesus. Let me rest. Oh FINE. Here’s a picture of a badger in a cap. HAPPY NOW?
“DON’T EVER CROSS ALEX CROSS.” That’s what they went with. Presumably the only other choices here were “CROSS THE ROAD FOR ALEX CROSS”, “DON’T EVER MAKE ALEX CROSS CROSS”, “ALEX CROSS IS CROSS IN ALEX CROSS (BASED ON CROSS)”, “ALEX! CROSS!” or “IS IT JUST ME OR IS THE WORD CROSS STARTING TO LOSE ALL MEANING?”
Reviewing the Alex Cross trailer, for The Guardian.
Soon, in the place of all of these sideshows, you’ll be watching Jake Humphrey labouring through the 13th consecutive hour of the day’s live Olympic coverage with a look of exhausted agony on his face.
I wrote a thing for Guardian Weekend ages ago, but this illustrated amendment has only just been brought to my attention. I’m the one with the shittest haircut and dress sense. (Via The Annotated Weekender)
Move around as much as possible during the ceremony, maybe by mimicking the dancers or decanting all your Pepsi into old Coke cans so as not to offend any sponsors
I’ll be watching people I don’t know, from countries I couldn’t place on a map, competing in a discipline that I could never hope to understand. Isn’t that what the Olympics is all about?
“How many times have we sat through boring 2D movie scenes depicting writing on a perfectly flat wall, and prayed that one day someone would go to the colossal expense of filming some writing on a wall using the latest 3D technology? Too many times, that’s how many times. We have Silent Hill Revelation 3D to thank for putting this right.”
Reviewing the Silent Hill Revelation trailer for The Guardian
Let’s be clear – praise from Jan Moir is not easily won. Show Moir a shoebox full of kittens and she’d find a way to claim that the kitten/shoebox trade was tearing at the very fabric of middle England. And yet, when faced with Clare Balding, Moir was reduced to a blushing mess.
The star of the match was undoubtedly USA head coach Terry Schroeder, a burly Will Ferrell lookalike who appears to have been entirely carved out of corned beef.
TEA
Food: Fish fingers, chips, beans. And then a yoghurt.DINNER
Topics of conversation: Work, your journey home from work, that thing Joanna who sits opposite you at work does with her teeth that’s really annoying.SUPPER
Tableware: Silver cutlery, ironed tablecloths, goblets full of children’s blood.
