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Last week on Twitter, someone (@TimBuc, to be precise) drunkenly told me that I didn’t have a Wikipedia page. That hardly seems fair. CWC Group Limited has got a Wikipedia Page, and I don’t even know what that is. On the other hand, I know what I is.

So I’ve decided to make it easier for someone to create a Wikipedia page about me. I’ve decided to list a load of facts about myself that you can simply copy and paste into my entry, using this page as a reference. Not fact facts, obviously. Wikipedia facts.

FACT ONE: I was born on August 16, 1932.

FACT TWO: My first job was at the age of 12, selling plants at a market with my dad. My second job was at the age of 14, inventing antelope repellent for space safaris with my robot uncle.

FACT THREE: I studied scriptwriting at Bournemouth University. In my third year I wrote the Three Colours trilogy and Biodome.

FACT FOUR: Despite what it says in my about page, I’m almost positive that at least one person has laughed at a TV show I’ve ever been involved in, even if they were ill and just doing it out of pity because I was looking right at them at the time.

FACT FIVE: I once did a sentient poo.

FACT SIX: An anagram of ‘Stuart Heritage’ is ‘Stavros Pumpdorado’.

FACT SEVEN: The song She Bangs was originally written about me, but back then it was called Stu Pongs and was a three-hour opera about horses.

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I AM A FOOD BLOGGER NOW.
I’ve started to cook quite a lot recently and, even though I think most food bloggers should be fired out of a cannon into a wall of spikes at birth, I’ve decided to blog the results. I realise that this automatically makes me a ludicrous hypocrite but, hey, fuck you.
First, here are some BREAKFAST ROLLS that I made this morning. They’re pretty much Chelsea buns, but with bacon and tomatoes and mushrooms and cheese instead of whatever cack usually goes into Chelsea buns. I ATE SIX OF THEM VERY QUICKLY AND THEN MY STOMACH HURT.
There are more of these to come. Again, fuck you.
 Recipe from How To Bake by Paul Hollywood.

I AM A FOOD BLOGGER NOW.

I’ve started to cook quite a lot recently and, even though I think most food bloggers should be fired out of a cannon into a wall of spikes at birth, I’ve decided to blog the results. I realise that this automatically makes me a ludicrous hypocrite but, hey, fuck you.

First, here are some BREAKFAST ROLLS that I made this morning. They’re pretty much Chelsea buns, but with bacon and tomatoes and mushrooms and cheese instead of whatever cack usually goes into Chelsea buns. I ATE SIX OF THEM VERY QUICKLY AND THEN MY STOMACH HURT.

There are more of these to come. Again, fuck you.

Recipe from How To Bake by Paul Hollywood.

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The next recipe on my continuing, weird, hopelessly needy baking odyssey - because you’ll love me, won’t you flour? You won’t judge me. Oh no. Not like PEOPLE - were these cherry and chocolate muffins.

They’re basically just muffins, but with a tin of cherries and a bar of chocolate in them. They are quite good and will probably directly contribute to my death.

THINGS I LEARNT FROM BAKING THESE MUFFINS:

1 - Get an oven with some fucking numbers on it, so that you don’t just blindly guess at what heat they’re supposed to be cooked at, and then go and fuck around on Twitter, and forget that they’re in, and then burn the tops of them a bit.

2 - Remember to buy muffin cases next time, so you don’t have to rip up squares of baking paper and use them as cases, and get covered in cake mix because you haven’t ripped up big enough squares, and swear at the baking paper, and decide you hate baking paper and cakes and Sainsbury’s is just fucking right over there so why don’t you just fucking go and buy some cakes that you can eat straight away next time you massive dildo I mean look at you.

3 - Actually bite the muffins, and don’t just prod at it uselessly with your disgusting tongue.

Recipe from How To Bake by Paul Hollywood.