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Last night while I was liveblogging the X Factor results show it struck me that the lyrics of Girl On Fire, the new single by Alicia Keys, don’t actually make that much sense. A day later and I’m still none the wiser. Perhaps the most sensible thing would be to break the song down line by line…

Girl On Fire, by Alicia Keys

She’s just a girl, and she’s on fire

Just? Just? She’s ON FIRE, Alicia. She’s a human being, and she’s burning to death. I don’t think you’re giving this situation the correct amount of urgency here.

Hotter than a fantasy, lonely like a highway

Highways aren’t lonely, though, are they? They’re literally covered in thousands of people all the time. They’re the exact scientific opposite of lonely. Maybe you’re trying to say that she isn’t lonely at all. Anyway, this isn’t the point. She’s on fire.

She’s living in a world, and it’s on fire

Hang on a minute, the ENTIRE WORLD is on fire now? Maybe you should have mentioned that before prattling on about how lonely one specific girl is. Jesus christ, we’re all going to die.

Filled with catastrophe, but she knows she can fly away 

Then why doesn’t she fucking fly away, then? She’s a) on fire and b) living in a world that also simultaneously happens to be on fire, and yet she has an unused escape plan? What an idiot. I’m slightly bewildered about why she hasn’t flown away already, to be honest.

Oh, she got both feet on the ground

Yes but, as we’ve already established, she has the ability to fly. Her feet are on the ground unnecessarily.

And she’s burning it down

Wait. It’s the girl who’s burning the ground down? So it’s safe to assume that this girl caught fire during a malevolent attempt to set fire to the ENTIRE PLANET? You know, I’m starting to like this girl less and less.

Oh, she got her head in the clouds

Has she? HAS SHE? How tall is she, to have her feet on the ground and her head in the clouds at the same time? It should be pretty easy for the authorities to spot her, this giant genocidal arsonist. AND she has the ability to fly, too. Does anyone else think that this song is actually about Mothra?

And she’s not backing down 

Well, since she knows that she’s a colossal burning radioactive moth-beast, she’s probably aware that the act of taking her into custody will be a logistical nightmare for the authorities. She’s right to remain unrepentant.

This girl is on fire

Thanks for reminding us.

This girl is on fire

Yes, but only because she tried to set fire to the planet. This isn’t a time for sympathy, Alicia.

She’s walking on fire

I know. And she’s got wings. What a dickhead.

This girl is on fire 

Yes, you’ve said.

Looks like a girl, but she’s a flame

So she isn’t even a girl? She was really made of fire all along? Can fire even set itself on fire? I don’t think it can. This song might as well be called There Is A Fire.

So bright, she can burn your eyes

My eyes are ALREADY burning, Alicia. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD is also on fire. This obsession with a single person demonstrates a worrying lack of perspective.

Better look the other way

Why? EVERYTHING ELSE IS ON FIRE, you idiot. We’re fucked whatever we do.

You can try but you’ll never forget her name

You haven’t actually told us her name, but I don’t suppose that matters, given that she’s the only giant flying cloud-high burning moth-girl who is actually made of fire in the world. She should be quite easy to identify on sight alone.

She’s on top of the world

So we know where this flaming bewinged femme-beast actually lives? Shouldn’t we send the army in to stop her? I’ve seen Cloverfield. I know how this shit goes down.

Hottest of the hottest girls

This is no time for bragging, Alicia. We’ve got to do something about this fire. 

Oh, we got our feet on the ground

Only because the fire has melted the soles of our shoes and rendered us immobile. Some of us don’t have the ability to fly, Alicia. We’ll all be dead soon, anyway. There’s no need to rub our noses in it.

And we’re burning it down

ARE WE? This strategy seems counter-intuitive at best. Maybe we should try putting the fire out instead of adding to it.

Oh, got our head in the clouds

Hang on, we’re all as tall as the girl who started this mess? We need to fight her. There are loads of us, and only one of her. We could take her down if we really wanted.

And we’re not coming down 

Quite right too. The high water content of the clouds is probably the only thing stopping us from immediately perishing from smoke inhalation.

This girl is on fire

Yes, but so am I. At the moment, this seems like the more pressing concern.

This girl is on fire

And so is that girl. And that girl. And that chip shop over there. And also EVERYTHING THAT EXISTS ON EARTH AS WE KNOW IT.

She’s walking on fire

Well, bully for her.

This girl is on fire 

She’s an arsehole is what she is.

Everybody stands as she goes by

Why? Why won’t anybody do anything? We’re all going to die here, and all you can do is WATCH? You MONSTERS!

Cause they can see the flame that’s in her eyes

Her eyes are on fire? Why, did she look at herself in a mirror? Alicia did warn everyone not to look at her, I suppose. So now, just to recap, there’s a colossal flying moth-woman who set fire to the world even though she’s actually made of fire, blindly flailing around at the North Pole, and we haven’t stopped her yet? We MUST. We must stop this hellish fire woman for the sake of HUMANITY.

Watch her when she’s lighting up the night

No thanks. I’ve got kids to save.

Nobody knows that she’s a lonely girl

Oh boo hoo. She doesn’t have any friends. Maybe if you STOPPED FUCKING SETTING FIRE TO EVERYTHING you’d have more time to develop your social skills, you massive cunt.

And it’s a lonely world

It will be soon, once this bellend has finished burning down everything that any of us has ever loved.

But she gon’ let it burn, baby, burn, baby

She’s going out of her way to burn BABIES now? God, this is getting worse and worse. 

This girl is on fire

SO IS EVERYTHING ELSE. JESUS ALICIA, WOULD IT KILL YOU TO SEE THE BIGGER PICTURE FOR A SECOND?

This girl is on fire

ARRRGH, MY FLESH! MY BEAUTIFUL FLESH! WHY WON’T ANYONE DO SOMETHING?

She’s walking on fire

NOT YOU, THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT. SOMEONE ELSE.

This girl is on fire 

IT BURNS! OH LORD IT BURNS SO MUCH! WHY? WHAT DID WE DO TO DESERVE SUCH AGONY? TELL US, LADY MOTHRA. TELL US!

Oh, oh, oh… 

What? What have you seen, Alicia? An intervention? Are we saved? Are we finally saved?

She’s just a girl, and she’s on fire

Oh, just fuck off.