If my last Just For Men Man Time adventure taught you anything, it should have been that I am catastrophically dreadful at a) flying a kite and b) filming other people fly a kite.
And that’s why, for my second Man Time adventure, I lowered the stakes. Like, a lot. Out went the safety equipment and warnings about accidental finger amputations and in came, well, bowling. Fancy bowling, admittedly, at All Star Lanes on Brick Lane (where Stooshe once filmed a video! Remember Stooshe? Me neither!), but the message was the same. You can’t keep a piece of cloth in the air for more than a couple of seconds, you idiot, so let’s see how you are at rolling a thing down a thing at some stuff.
Also, because I was so terrible at filming last time, I brought a photographer with me – Emily Holland from The Photography Co. Yes, I know, she’s a girl and this is supposed to be Man Time but, look, you’re not my dad.
There would be two games of bowling. My opponents would be my brother PETE who you already know, EMILY who is a girl, and my friend AL who has a broken toe. Between the injury, the fact that I’m the oldest brother and my massive and offensive gender-based discrimination, I pretty much went into this with victory written all over me. So here are six things I discovered during the games.
1. PETE TAKES BOWLING VERY SERIOUSLY
I mean Jesus, look at him. Everyone else went bowling to have a lovely time, but not Pete. Pete went into this the same way that all Apprentice candidates go into any possible situation – ready to win (or, at the very least, demonstrate a basic misunderstanding of percentages) at any cost. This would be harder than I thought.
2. PETE ACTUALLY GOES BOWLING
You can tell he does. Look at his form. That’s how bowlers bowl. He’d clearly been practicing, the little turd.
3. I DO NOT ACTUALLY GO BOWLING
Again, look at my form. I look like a Frankenstein’s monster. An elderly Frankenstein’s monster. An elderly Frankenstein’s monster with a back complaint, who got locked into a weird CIA stress position while bending down to pick up a crossword magazine. And who clearly can’t do shoelaces up properly. I can’t remember how I did in this turn but, judging by how enormously awkward I look, I’d be staggered if I managed to hit a single bloody pin.
3. I DON’T THINK AL HAD ACTUALLY BROKEN HIS POXY TOE
Look at him, skipping about from foot to foot. You said you’d broken your toe, Al. I ONLY INVITED YOU BECAUSE YOU SAID YOU’D BROKE YOUR BLOODY TOE. But OH NO, you have to go and be mobile enough to do much better than me at bowling, don’t you? Well screw you, Al. SCREW YOU.
4. EMILY IS PETE’S GIRLFRIEND
Literally about 90% of the photos that Emily sent me had Pete in them. JESUS I GET IT, YOU’RE GOING OUT. Where are all the pictures of ME, Emily? This was supposed to be MY SPECIAL DAY and you only took pictures of Pete. JESUS CHRIST THIS IS THE WORST.
5. THIS DOESN’T BLOODY COUNT EITHER
I’M NOT EVEN SURE THIS QUALIFIES AS A PHOTO OF ME. I THINK IT MIGHT ACTUALLY JUST BE A PHOTO OF PETE THAT I ACCIDENTALLY WANDERED INTO. I MEAN FOR GOD’S SAKE. MUST I DO EVERYTHING MYSELF? MUST I? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME, GOD? HERE, I’M PUNCHING MYSELF IN THE FACE, GOD! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW? ARE YOU?
6. THE SCORE
This is how the second game started. I ended up coming last. I hate everything.
In summary, I give bowling two thumbs up.
(All photos except for the crappy last one are courtesy of The Photography Co. You should totally hire them for stuff).