It’s hard to overstate how much Pete enjoys exercise, too. Approximately a third of his kitchen space is taken up with colossal tubs of intimidating muscle supplements called things like Donkeykick and Thunderpunch. His favourite story is the one where he went to a meeting and his bicep accidentally ripped through his shirt in front of his boss. He’s one of my favourite people in the entire world, but he does have the teensiest air of steroid-inflicted murder-suicide about him.
Note: Pancaklentine’s Day only occurs on the day between Pancake Day and Valentine’s Day. For the day between Valentine’s Day and Pancake Day, and the day when Pancake Day and Valentine’s Day occur simultaneously, please see Valencake Day and Vapanlencatineke’s Day respectively.
Pancaklentine’s Day is a rare and beautiful flower. The last Pancaklentine’s Day was celebrated in 2002, and the next one won’t be seen until 2024.
But we’ve all heard Pancaklentine’s Day stories from our parents and grandparents. We’ve heard about Old Man Pancaklentine, the kindly old man who travels the world on Pancaklentine’s Eve, delivering heart-shaped flour particles to singletons by detaching his jaw and regurgitating it down their chimneys like a komodo dragon sicking up a baby antelope.
We’ve heard about the time that Queen Victoria popularised Pancaklentine’s Day by letting Prince Albert cover Buckingham Palace in a giant heart-shaped pancake for eight years in 1850. We’ve heard the traditional Pancaklentine’s Day songs, which are all Arthur’s Theme (The Best That You Can Do) by Christopher Cross but with all the words changed to ‘Pancaklentine’.
But how do we celebrate Pancaklentine’s Day today? Here is a step-by-step guide to creating that most traditional of Pancaklentine’s Day treats, the Pancaklentine’s pancake card.
STEP ONE - Make a batch of pancake batter, and then pour some red food colouring into it. It doesn’t matter how much – I used an entire bottle, but you can use up to ten gallons.
STEP TWO - Pour some of the batter into a hot crepe pan. You are trying to create a perfect heart shape, but it must be freehand - you cannot use use scissors or a mould. It’s tricky at first but, as I have proved, it’s not impossible.
STEP THREE - After flipping your pancake, slide it out onto a plate and arrange it as delicately as you can. Remember, you’re giving this to your one true love, so you want it to look as pretty as possible.
STEP FOUR - Now, to decorate. Tradition dictates that you ice the message ‘Greetings and salutations on this fine Pancaklentine’s Day. May your day be full of cheer and affection. Heartiest congratulations, your anonymous admirer’ but, in these less formal times, a simple ‘Happy Pancaklentine’s Day’ will suffice. Again, please remember that neatness is the order of the day here.
STEP FIVE - In a nod to last night’s festivities, adorn the pancake with some sugar and lemon juice, and fold it in half. It is a card, after all.
STEP SIX - There. Your Pancaklentine’s pancake card is complete. Imagine the look of unbridled joy on the object of your affection’s face as they open the card and realise that this is how much you love them.
STEP SEVEN - Leave the card on your loved one’s doorstep and run away. Once they’ve worked out that it’s a token of eternal affection and not just some afterbirth that someone’s jizzed all over, they’re sure to be yours forever.
Happy Pancaklentine’s Day, everyone. I love you.