2010: THE ELVIS HAS LEFT THE BUILDING TOUR
John has shaggy hair, an open-necked collar and an unsure expression.
2011: THE SUNSHINE TOURJohn stands in front of a blazing light – the limelight. His shirt is open, but this time he’s more confident. He holds a microphone. Finally, after years of struggle, this is what he was put on Earth to do.
2012: THE ROLLERCOASTER TOUR
This time John wears a tie. He’s bending down to say hi to his fans. “Hello,” he’s saying, “I know I’m on the telly a lot but, look, I’m literally bringing myself down to your level. I’m still one of you!”
2014: THE SUPERSONIC TOURSurrounded by arrows, all shooting upwards, John stands with his fingers on his chin, like the CEO of a vast multinational on the cover of TIME. He’s made it, and this is something he can no longer hide from peons like you.
2015: THE HOLLYWOOD HERE I COME TOUR
Once again, John is open-necked. But this time, he’s wearing sunglasses and his hair is slicked back. His teeth are even whiter than usual, too. He’s reclining in a car seat, his hands behind his head. He knows that nobody can touch him.
2017: THE BACK TO MY ROOTS TOUR
John’s back! The cover is no-nonsense – just John, a microphone and a slightly rueful expression. He knows that Hollywood was retrospectively probably ambitious, but if you promise not to mention that he played the fifth male lead in a straight-to-DVD Vinnie Jones filmed in Bratislava as a tax write-off, he’ll promise to make you laugh. You’ll never leave him, right?
2020: THE BAD FINANCIAL DECISION TOUR
Look, John remembers that he made that big announcement about turning his back on comedy to concentrate on his new role in Coronation Street, but he wasn’t expecting his performance to go down quite as badly as it did. Looking back, maybe he shouldn’t have assumed that he’d have a guaranteed income for years to come. And, looking back, sinking all his money into that underwater restaurant probably wasn’t the best idea. He should have listened to his accountant. But he didn’t, so good old John’s back on the road again! Hooray!
2025: THE JESUS ARE YOU HAPPY NOW TOUR
John’s wearing a tie again, but this time it looks like a noose. Fifteen years. Fifteen bloody years he’s been standing onstage, telling the same awful jokes to the same pack of disinterested stag night arseholes. He’s tried leaving. He’s tried to show you that there’s more to him than this, but it didn’t work. His acting career’s dead. His film career never even started. That last tour of his, the semi-dramatic concept tour about a boy with torches for eyes, didn’t even get a fucking DVD release. So now he’s resigned to this. He’s just going to spend the rest of his life telling poxy fucking softball jokes to you people. You’re his jailors, you know that? But, anyway, have you noticed that funny thing about buses? Have you? Fucking have you?